Econ & Me

Wow. I just spent ten minutes doing an assignment, got a B, then spent an hour and 9 minutes redoin it to scrape out a 92% (A). Econ Rocks.

Record: Write what is wanted. Won't want it in the future.
Decide on interests. What am I interested in?
Purpose?
Do we ever know even the outside fringes of another?

The Fallen.

I am happy. So tired, but the daylight is here, it is a beautiful day. I think I should turn off all my electronics, they are all about to die anyway. Perhaps I will find a charming person to spend the next hour with. I can dream, can't I? "Two are better than one, because together...if one falls down, the other can help him up...but if someone is alone and falls...there's no one to help him." Ecclestians 4:9-10 (GN)
Maybe I can find someone who has fallen...

I am

I am worried about if you are alright, If perhaps I should not have left so soon. I am worried about your safety, I am knowing that I am not here to protect you anymore, I am hurt in how easily you change from one to the other, or rather, you change to become comfortable of showing your affection of him in front of me and Jonathon so quickly. I am worried for you. I am selfishly motivated right now, it must be, this pain. I must avoid you or else I will just make things worse. As it stands you know I am having my thoughts: I am deep within me. I am distracted, I think my love is too forgiving, this pain is not ending, not ebbing, constant, not healed, your beauty is now the sinful side, he doesn't even do more than play with you right now! ... I don't want to speak against him. Even as I 'gave in', said give him a chance...you could have chose me. You didn't because, one, you love him, and two, you think I will be there for you if it doesn't work out with Chase. I feel I should block you, block you from this post. Even if what is here is but the pain of the morning, the pain of mourning. The pain of the night is less caustic, if that is the right term, not necessarily based on reality in the details. My promises, I will keep. No matter how much I love my sleep. No matter the tears. You! You could choose between the guy who understands yet does not feel and the man who feels but does not understand! I am not capable of understanding! I am So not wanting to talk about him, what you see in him is way different than what I see, as it should be, but I should not point out anything. I am a stone. I will let the river run by, smoothing my roughness. I know I have brothers. I know that most likely, if I find one, we may end up hurting one another. I fear for his sake; my pain is great. Those days where I only had to deal with the demons in my head! It is human to feel. It is man to be attached, it is straight to be attached to a woman. These things have been taught to me. Would they teach me, those that I cherish so much, to unattach myself, to not turn cold but instead love you as my enemy? Not you as a person, oh no, you as a concept, you that could have all my love and move on to him. "Does anyone ever know even the outer fringe of another?" (Steinbeck 51). I know you. May the pain wash away, let me run through it, run miles and across ennumeral possibilities of terrible things, when one becomes reality, I want to be there. If none happens, I want to be there. Amazing, 15 minutes of typing, and I come back to my point of wanting to be here for you...actually, not amazing, because that is behind all of this. Except. There is the doubt. The doubt that I can accept you accepting his flirtations, kissing him, holding him, the worst part, loving him so easily, so trasitionally. You went from me to him with pain, yes, but not so much as to ease into his relationship. No, you went right into it, like what is happening is something that you have wanted to happen for a long time, like it is something you have desired, like this guy who hasn't asked you out, you WANT him to play with you, to eventually get around to asking you out, or maybe not, just to be there with him. The sad part is for once, my assumption is right. I loved you. Singularly. No competition. I gave you my heart, and a part of my soul. You say you loved me more. Is that so? I do not know. I know only my pain is such that when I run, I must be careful not to hurt others... I am the stone. I will love you longer. Perhaps if I lay here long enough, the words you said about loving me always and about being mine until he asks you out will comfort me. I say that with sourness: they do not. In fact, I try to think of you as single, single without anyone pushing you to become 'theirs'. Me with my issues, you honestly said. Well, yes. I have issues. I am human. I feel. I am man, I am attached. I am straight, it is to a woman. I am young. My love is too old for this supple-yet-young body, for this conscience, for this mind. I trust in God.
Back to the mundane: I won't call you. I don't think you want me to chase after you. You want this chance. I will give it. I hope you don't read this soon, you might get a chance to feel this pain grow into something else. Happy (Day After) Haloween!